I wonder ....

I was despondent when I started to wonder…
I wonder if any one can tolerate Sauna for 3 months continuously at 52C,
I wonder if any one can tolerate fear &anxiety for 15 years with out psychological help & survive ,
I wonder if any one can tolerate absence of electricity for 20 hours a day for 14 years ,in the 20 &21 century ,
I wonder if any one can live without hope,& future plans ,
I wonder if any one can still remember how to be hopeful after all ,
I wonder if any one can survive with one dollar or less per month ( the Iraqis could),
I wonder if any one can live without places for entertainment &fun,
I wonder if any one can tolerate my routine day work ,
I wonder how I survived in Mosul lonely without my dear loving parents , for 15 years growling my twenties, &thirties,
I wonder for how long I can pretend to be strong & optimistic,
I wonder if my name should be listed in Guinness record book because all of that!!
I wonder how any one can keep on , in spite of his worry on everyone he loves & on everything &can growing hopeful Sunshine (my daughter),
I wonder if I should stop wondering because you are bored .
Ok I feel better now...
Mama…

Our fate… our children's future…

Dear friends
After two weeks of different kind of suffering , I feel more depressed & worry about our fate .what will happen to us , how my children's future is going to be?
Will this constitution solve our problems or bring us much more tragedies. I can't be guarantee that ,& I feel confused because I am not political.
My kids should start another school year , that makes me crazy, another year of disquietude. I asked my husband to defer this year . Sunshine feel very miserable & she refuse to change her school or defer this year . We are all distrait .
Mama…

What about the other people?...

Dear friends
Last Saturday sunshine had a very bad attack of asthma before midnight I brought her the Respirator machine , but her breathing did not become better . Her hands started trimming & then contracting , her face turned to bluish, She looked very tired .We couldn't take her to hospital because of the errantry ban. Even the Ambulance cars don't come to take sick people because of the risk of ambush. I was terrified I phoned a friend of mine she is a doctor , she told me what to do ,&of course we already had every thing necessary for asthma attack at home .
Thank to Allah I am a dentist, I could manage , and I had every thing necessary at that time .I even had phone services which is not always available . And I had a friend to help me .
But what about the other people? Heart attacks ? many other emergency situations ?...
Mama…..

Stop the hate...

Dear friends
On 20/8/2005 our house was inspected by the American forces , only one of the soldiers misbehaved, I wrote a letter about that to the hot line we have .This line receive any notification about terrorists or doubts in the neighborhood. But we don’t have any other addresses, for complaints.
My uncle advised me to write to the military forces , to the white House , to our government .But I don't have the addresses .
I thought it will be a good Idea to share me my anger &my letter to the hot line:
To whom concerned I believe that we should all gather to reach the goal,& get rid of the terrorists. On Saturday at 20/8/2005 at6 in the afternoon , our neighborhood was inspected by the American military forces .we welcomed every member of the teem . They were polite, and friendly .
They even allowed my husband to accompany them though the house rooms . Except one SOLDIER he was a little bit nervous , he asked my husband not to follow him to the main bed room .
When that soldier finished& every one in the teem finished inspecting the other rooms , we wished them to stay safe & asked them to take care .
They didn’t find any thing illegal .
Then I went to my bed room ,I saw some thing that bothered me a lot . That nervous soldier , crushed the TV remote control , squeezed a tube of gel on the ground & on the bed cover & sheets.
He also powdered two bottle of Baby powder on my clothes in side the closet& on the bed cover .Such irresponsible behavior will change the cooperation of people to anger &hate. My kids used to believe in your soldiers & their courage .When terrorists invalidate Mosul &then you came to help us they were very much amazed. But now after they saw that soldier behavior they got confused &disappointed.
I wanted to write about that to stoop the stupid guys in the military forces from offending the relationship more &more between the Iraqis & the soldiers .I want to stop the hate that is increasing even among the most peaceful Iraqis ,due to such irresponsible behavior, such soldiers affect the reputation of the American military forces ,whom already have enough scandals.
Mama….

My loneliness in Mosul....

It is so weird , since I began to write I had many friends .
They share me my thoughts ,my feelings, my fear &pray for my family .
I did not have close friends since I moved to Mosul . I thought it is because of the different viewpoints& the way of thinking between the people here & people of Baghdad where I am from. Although we are all from one country ,but we differ in our life style .
I miss my life in Baghdad a lot .When I go there I feel like I am returned back to life again .I have many people there who care about me & we can have great time together. I miss my family , our neighbors , my old friends in the high school,& I miss the family's friends. There I can talk about every thing, I can discuss all the issues freely.
I thought the reason behind my loneliness here is the difference between me & the people here . But what about my new blog friends , we are from different nations , we have different viewpoints ,different religions & we differ in our life style. Those new INVISIBLE friends are very supportive, they show me their understanding , their empathies , even their disagreements.
But I think the people here in Mosul don’t like the one how disagree with them ,or have different opinions. They even don’t like to have strong relationships out of the family. I don’t really try to generalize but that what I found from the people I was in contact with along my 15 years in Mosul.Like those in the collage ,at work &even among my husband's Family &relatives. I am very much in need to people that we can share things together , I can be my self among them ,I can express my feelings &my opinions freely .Specially in this life where we all suffer a lot , we need to support each other .
In the war &and many many months later I didn't have any kind of connection with my family ,no phone services, no internet ,nothing at all. I was dispirit & lonely with no one around. The only family who sympathize with me is my husband's uncle. But we are from different generations…
So with you my dear invisible anonymous friends ,I will be as I am, humorous , hopeful &friendly ¬ depressed ,anxious, nor lonely.
Keep in touch ….
Mama……….

What was his guilt?....

A dear friend and a brother in law of my husband's uncle was murdered few months ago .I was shocked I couldn't believe that any one can kill a guy like him (R.).R. was a very friendly guy ,famous with his lovely smile He was so loved by every one specially his family ,his wife(she is a teacher) ,19 years old son ,24 years old daughter & 12 years old daughter. He used to stay home to look after his old blind mother in spite of he was handicapped.
He lost his leg years ago though an accident during work(he was an agricultural specialist ). . But he had a great will. After the accident he worked as a carpenter in his house.
After the downfall of Mousul ,he demanded to work as a translator in the governorate building , he was accepted . He used to appear in the TV . of Nainava . when the Iraqis had their own lordship ,he quit to work at home again for one of the humanitarian organizations that assist handicapped Iraqis, he was hired as an accountant. they gave him a computer, he started to work at home organizing their files & accounts. He was so pleased with his new job ,because it is easier than carpentry ,much more lucrative, but the more important reason is ,it is very healsome to people he can very well affectionate with.
At the ominous day ,he took his children to school & came back home , his neighbor saw a car with 3 men waiting for him .
He entered his garage, left his car &took his crutches. Just then the terrorists debarked from their car to shower him with their bullets.
why? what was his guilt?....
From the terrorists point of view his Job is his guilt & he deserved to be killed.
That's unfair ..who gave them the right to judge him & to execute him..
Recently his daughter graduated ,she is now a pharmacist . she was so sad that her dear father missed her graduation . his mother used to eat from his own hands ,she used to enjoy his company along the day .now we all miss him .
Please pray for us …..
Mama….

My routine workday...

Hi :
I finished the mothercraft leave on June, now I work in the countryside. I wake up early in the morning leaving my children at home with their grandma. I pray before I leave asking God to keep them safe, our neighborhood notice almost every day shooting between terrorists& the police in the nearby police station. Or some times guided missiles fall on the neighborhood.
Five doctors &I hired a car to take us to work; the way to work is not safe, many serious crimes of killing occurred there; many dead bodies were thrown there with their heads separated from their bodies. Five wreckages of exploded cars were left in that road. There is a gate before we reach the hospital, looking to it is frightful, because a suicider exploded himself a month ago with his exploded car killing many policemen, their names are written on black clothes hanged in the gate wrecks.
In that gate there is a checkpoint, we wait there for long time to be able to pass. That is the scariest, because another explosion might happen .I keep praying all the way& I inspect the drivers faces looking for treasonable one.
Then when I reach the hospital, another kind of suffering starts. The people of this village are very poor, they are very much in need of medical &dental care, but the hospital ministrations are very limited. There is lack in every thing. The only dental unit in that area is broken. I feel sorry for the people there. I was ordered to treat patient need teeth extractions, it’s a huge mistake, because of the risk of fracturing the tooth as I can’t adjust the chair to the proper position, as well as incorrect position hurt my back , where I already have disk problem. &it makes me get tired quickly . Medicaments shortage is also a big problem, doctors prescribe alternative medications according to the type available ¬ according to the best.
That makes me feel miserable .In the afternoon I go back home, in addition to the scary way, it’s too hot at that time, the car has no air conditioner. While the temperature in the shade reaches 50 centigrade, in side the car it is much higher.
I reach my home very exhausted, desperate, & sweaty.
This is my routine workday.
Mama……

Thank you Madcanuck...

Thank you for your warm welcome...
Thank you for supporting (Sunshine), & encouraging her to keep writing, to show her talents& to express her opinions &feelings.
Writing to (Sunshine) means a lot for her, she became more mature since she began writing, since she had friends care about her. Friends like you give her from their precious time.
Thanks for your concerning about Iraqis, for you’re support .Thank you for keeping us optimists.
For us Bloging started to become the Cure, whenever we surrender & give up to desperation.

Mama…

A complaining mother....

Nice to write to you again
When my daughters were at their schools, I kept waiting them in every day. I had many bad times during this school year. Sunshine had trapped in her way to school or in her way back home for several times. Once she couldn’t catch her mid year physics exam, because of traffic jam. The roads were locked; she kept out there in our dangerous roads for 3 hours. We kept calling her, on her mobile phone to give her driver the suggested roads, after we asked about the opened roads.
Some times Explosions occur near her school, I keep trying to call her school to see if she was Ok, (that wasn’t easy because of the bad phone services).
Her sister suffered in the same way. I will not write the details, because Sunshine wrote about those bad memories, for reminder her post (Bad day in my memory) that was the worst day in my life.
I had to go through all that fear &worry along this year .I pray that the coming year will be better.
Now my kids are in summer holiday, I want them to have fun& to enjoy their holiday. We can’t take them out, I can’t take them to Baghdad, As I used to visit my parents. It’s not safe. Therefore I try so hard to find away to fill their time.
I encourage them to do some handmade work; I want sunshine to write through her blog about her life, her feelings, her diary & dreams.
However, she suffers because of the bad electricity, internet, & phone services.
Some times she become really sad &angry, instead of enjoying her success in obtaining readers & friends .she could be chatting with friends or publishing or enjoying reading the comments, and the line disconnect for tens times or even don’t get reconnection. Many times, she couldn’t get internet connection for several days. Again, I can’t help her to stop her suffering.
Sunray my younger daughter, sometimes feel depressed, she is active she need to run, to play. she has energy,& she need to vent it.
She spends the day swimming in her little swimming pool, watching cartoons, or spending an hour with her computer programs (if sunshine was not monopolizing the computer).
I whish we have swimming pools, children cities& tourist places.
Moreover, I need a safe life for them. Safe & happy.
I wish they can sleep comfortably, rather than to sleep in a50 C with the air conditioner switched off.
It is painful to see them sweating, and unable to breath.
Next time I will write about my routine day at work…..
Mama …